I have been
married before, and I’ve lived with men too.
Having done this kind of thing a couple of times in my life, you’d think
that I would be an “expert” on the subject of marriage (legal or common-law),
but, alas, I am not. Instead, I find
myself wondering, Why do people get married or live together anyway? Do they do it to be happy or miserable, or to
make the other party miserable?
Ironically, it
seems to me that most married people today want to be single again, whereas, those
who have never been married (or lived with a member of the opposite sex) want
nothing more than to live in “marital bliss” for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, I have never been quite smart
enough to be able to figure out what that term, “marital bliss”, means exactly. All I know is that it never worked out for me
the way I thought it was supposed to work out.
So, the
million-dollar question is: “Marital
bliss for whom?”: the husband who has
all of his physical, sexual and companionship needs looked after by his
wife? Meanwhile, he is making her life so
miserable, she would cheerfully kill him if she thought she could get away with
it. What she gets in her marriage to him
is sexual slavery (sex wherever he wants it), coupled with being the full-time
mother to his children, together with being his most cherished housekeeper (maid
and cook). So, is this what “marital
bliss” is supposed to mean for the wife?
I once knew of a
couple in their senior years who had been married to each other for about 50
years. The husband, Hal, was very proud
of this fact, and often boasted about how happy they had been together all this
time. The wife who was my best friend, Susan,
appeared to support his words, and acted like his words were the absolute truth
and never once contradicted him. Hal
never could stand being contradicted by anyone anyway; so, no one knew the
actual truth of the matter. In fact, I
really think he was rather paranoid at the idea of people knowing the truth about
his marriage to Susan. He acted like he
and she would live together quite happily until the day they died (hopefully they
died together). How realistic is that? Later events would either confirm his words
as the truth or prove them ironic. Only
time would tell.
No one who knew
the couple well could have predicted in their wildest dreams that, four years
later, upon Susan’s untimely death, Hal would suddenly have to start looking
after his own physical needs and live completely on his own for the first time
in decades. Not only that, he would have
to start acting as the father that he’d never really been to his now-grownup children,
as well as being grandfather to his six young grandchildren. Susan, when she was alive, had made his life
so easy for him that he’d never had to worry much about disciplining the kids
(unless she made him do it). He’d never had
to tuck the kids into their beds at night when they were little, or comfort them
when they were sick or frightened. He had
always left these tasks to his wife and she had always done these things without
complaining. Little did anyone know
until sometime after her death, that Susan had actually resented Hal fiercely
for consistently displaying his male chauvinistic attitude towards her, the never-ending
housework, and the child rearing.
Susan could have
kept a psychiatrist busy full-time for a year or more dealing just with her
side of that marriage. Susan had gotten so
pissed off with Hal most of the time that she would freely admit to me (and
anyone else who would listen) that her idea of “marital bliss” would be to take
out a contract on him and collect on his life insurance. The only problem would be how not to
implicate herself in the process. Naturally,
she had thought of divorce as a possible option, but one day, when she broached
the subject to Hal, his reaction to the question was violent enough to
discourage her from asking him again.
As Susan’s best
friend, I deeply sympathized with her because I knew that she was absolutely
right about Hal. He was basically a
typical male chauvinist, in my mind. I
considered myself fortunate that my own relationships had ended amicably (when
they needed to end), with no one being the worse for wear. The subject:
“Marriage: For Better or Worse?”
is a question whose answer I can only guess at.
My best educated guess at this moment would be – that men like marriage
just fine as long as it’s better for them; after all, if it was better for women,
why would men like it too? It’s true
that men do want women as their partners in marriage, but they also seem to want
to be able to golf, fish, and drink with their buddies, as well as watch sports
events on TV, as often as possible. They
often act as if their wives aren’t also deserving of running their own lives
too.
Women, in turn, also
seem to want men as their partners in marriage, but they also often end up
carrying most of the load for both partners.
And men like it that way, but what about the women? Well, sooner or later, these women are going
to discover (like I did) that there is no such thing as true “marital bliss”. It simply doesn’t exist – never did, never
will. The only way this fact will change
is when men change their attitude to marriage and start taking some
responsibility for the mess it is making of our lives. And, women will have to start putting up some
significant “roadblocks” – messages that tell men they are no longer willing to
carry most of the load in a marriage.
They, like men, want to work outside of the home, earn their own money,
and run their own lives. Who could blame
them? Women, like Susan, are also more
than willing to raise their children, but want and need some help from their
partners. In addition, they want and
need to be appreciated for what they have to offer their families. They do not want to be taken for granted by
their husbands.
Maybe I’ll never
know what it’s like to have my very own family again. God knows, I did my share of messing things
up in my own relationships. But then,
maybe I’ll get lucky and find someone who truly cares about me and my happiness
more than he cares about his golf game and being with his buddies. Otherwise,
the alternative for me is to be single and free. The only thing that I might miss is having my
own children (assuming I don’t have any already). But, I know that if I am lucky enough to find
the right man one day, the commitment and caring that he displays toward me
will help bridge that gap – possibly to the point where we could have a family
anyway, without the legal ties and “marital bliss” that everyone else seems to
believe in.
published by Authorhouse, copyright 2011, Anne Shier. All rights reserved.
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